20 Gifts You Should NOT Give Your Grandmother For Christmas

A Double-Ended Dildo

A Double-Ended Dildo

It's best to get the obvious one out of the way first, don't you think?

Let's be honest, if grandma does have a secret then she probably wants to keep it to herself. Also, she's probably not going to be sharing it with her friend from bingo.

A Chainsaw

A Chainsaw

Back in her day, they just ued an axe. Besides all that, her axing days are over.

A Subscription To Huslter

A Subscription To Huslter

...Or any other type of adult entertainment publication. As most of us already know, the physical magazine is a thing of the past anyway. Get grandma involved in the future and tell her to Google whatever she's into.

Underpants

Underpants

This really only applies to the boys (I think). Grandma buys you the underpants for Christmas. It's never been the other way around and it doesn't look like changing any time soon.

A Scented Candle

A Scented Candle

While it might seem like that regulation gift when you have no idea what to get her and you really don't feel like summoning too much of your precious inspiration for a forgettable, throwaway gift, a scented candle is not the way to go. This is simply because grandma might see it as symbolic of her mortality. It will make her depressed. If you love her you won't get her a candle. Don't be so heartless!

A Drone

A Drone

The only reason she doesn't pop over every day is because she's not as mobile as she used to be. Why give her wings she otherwise would not have had? If she has a drone, she's going to have a camera attached to it. Probably.

A Sunrise Simulating Alarm Clock

A Sunrise Simulating Alarm Clock

Because they're stupid.

A Nerf Gun

A Nerf Gun

She'll want to keep up with the grand kids and end up putting her hip out. Why set unrealistic expectations for your dear old Gran?!

Toothpaste

Toothpaste

Doesn't she like, keep her dentures in a glass of solution on her bedside table? Besides, toothpaste is a really crappy gift.

A Calendar

A Calendar

She's definitely going to feel undue pressure to live out the year now that you've set her the apparent goal. Let her go whenever she wants.

An Electric Pepper Grinder

An Electric Pepper Grinder

She will be thrilled the first time it gets used and then nostalgic for "back in my day" henceforth. The world is changing and grandma is mortal. Let her go in peace in a world without electric pepper grinders.

An iPad Foosball Table

An iPad Foosball Table

Do you really want to confuse grandma to death?

World Cup Tickets

World Cup Tickets

It might seem like one of those bucket list-type things but consider that, not only is the next event in Russia ("Damn communists!" she'll say), but it's also not until 2018. She could be dead.

An Exercise DVD

An Exercise DVD

Every fortnight, some dude from the care facility comes and takes her to do aqua aerobics will a handful of other octo- and nonagenarians. That's more than enough exercise, thank you very much!

A Flying Lesson

A Flying Lesson

She's too old. Simple.

Beats by Dre

Beats by Dre

They might be quality but man, they are NOT cheap! Why waste your precious funds on grandma when she won't be able to hear the difference anyway?

A Buddhist Statue

A Buddhist Statue

Anybody who has ever traveled to Asia and come home like they had some magical experience that changed their life, thought it might be cool to get a Buddhist statue for the garden. But let's be honest, grandma probably thinks it has something to do with ISIS.

A Knife Set

A Knife Set

If grandma nicks herself with one of these she'll probably bleed out. You'll have to live with that guilt for the rest of your life.

A Pacman Arcade Game

A Pacman Arcade Game

You think it's cool and retro but grandma still thinks it's too futuristic and will be flustered at trying to keep up with technology.

A Beard Care Pack

A Beard Care Pack

1. Your grandmother is not a hipster.

2. She gave up worrying about image years ago.

3. She likes her beard the way it is. It traps bits of food that she reclaims later when she discovers them in her beard. Don't take away her simple pleasures in life. It's all she has left.