25 Hilarious Tweets That Explain Exactly What Married Life Is Like

The Good Tweezers

The Good Tweezers

Perhaps you know that your life is boring AF when you have something you refer to as "the good tweezers".

All Three

All Three

Dead animal, sauce and bread. All three of the food groups covered.



Think And Thin

Think And Thin

Let's hope she's good at something because so far, she's refused to do the laundry and she can't spell ("think and thin").

Being Right vs Cuddles

Being Right vs Cuddles

Personally, it would all depend upon what type of cuddles they would be. I mean, just regular old cuddles and I'd probably choose to be right, but if it's "special cuddles" then that changes everything.



An Odd Number

An Odd Number

Not necessarily, there are a whole bunch of dudes in Korea and Japan who got married to pillows. Perhaps a divorce in that area would explains things.

Hear No Evil, See No Evil

Hear No Evil, See No Evil

And yet, between them, they still can't play a mean pinball.



Life Is An Annoyance

Life Is An Annoyance

Why don't you just wake her up? That should do the trick.

Puppy Love

Puppy Love

...because we've got nothing left in our soulless, shallow lives than to compete for the love of a creature whose natural instinct is to try and win our affection.



Not The Brightest

Not The Brightest

Let's be honest, you're probably only slightly less of a bitch at 9am than you are at 7.

What Else?

What Else?

This is why they invented wine and television. Deal with it.



Still Going To Work?

Still Going To Work?

Is this because Wednesday is the day that young, muscly dude comes to clean the pool?

No Win

No Win

You can't win 'em all, sport! Just tell her to do whatever makes her happy and then try and get through the next few minutes of her telling you that you don't give enough of a shit about her. It should be relatively okay from there...



Mostly Food

Mostly Food

Without food you will die. Food is quite literally your lifeline. Don't you dare belittle food. Say sorry to food.

You're A Choice

You're A Choice

Surely I'm one of the better ones. I mean, Nicolas Cage has made a few good movies but most of them have been trash. You see my point?



In The Dick

In The Dick

This is both the best wife to have and the worst wife to have. She's hilarious (and that's always a plus) but she also sounds a little on the violent side (and that scares me).

Safety In Dishes

Safety In Dishes

And no woman was ever shot by a man when she had his cock in her mouth.



Final Fantasy

Final Fantasy

Hey, it could be a lot worse. He could be living out some other "final fantasy" if you know what I mean...!!

Jack Reacher

Jack Reacher

All maturity aside for a moment, all I could think when I read "#jackreacher" was "reach around". But seriously, he probably does want you to leave.



Distract Him With Your Boobs

Distract Him With Your Boobs

 Well, if you don't give him anything else fun to do...

Fortify Our Shit

Fortify Our Shit

We should probably get some guns.



Boring Reality

Boring Reality

What about the one where Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson visits the house of a bored married couple and doesn't leave until he's please at least one of them, sexually? Or that one where they get a bored married couple in a featureless room, throw them a cheese grater and say "only one of you gets out alive"?

Dusting The Blades

Dusting The Blades

"Dust our fan blades" better be a euphemism for off-the-charts kinky sex or this is a damn boring tweet.



Sharing Is Caring, Etc,...

Sharing Is Caring, Etc,...

You want to go halves in this mortgage, well you'll have to be prepared to go halves in the sandwich. Oh, I earn more money so I should pay more of the mortgage? Okay, well I'm bigger too so I get more of the damn sandwich!

What Love Is

What Love Is

We can all stop trying to define what love is then. Cool, more time for eating tacos!



Our Love Is Music

Our Love Is Music

There are a whole bunch of songs by Cannibal Corpse that could become relevant if you wake him up and make him angry.