In this day and age, people can sell just about anything and SOMEONE out there will buy it. But have you ever met anyone stupid enough to purchase a golden ticket to heaven off someone? And not just anyone, but a dodgy-looking drug-addicted stranger on the street, no less?
Tito and Amanda Watts were arrested recently after selling “golden tickets to heaven” to literally hundreds of people.
The hundreds of naïve or dimwitted individuals who bought the tickets were told they were made of solid gold and guaranteed you a place in heaven, so long as you present your ticket at the pearly gates in the after life, like some kind of extremely exclusive nightclub – all for the low, low price of $99.99.
The amazing thing is that technically, this isn’t breaking the law. People are well within their rights to promise people entry to heaven in exchange of heaven. No, the masterminds' undoing was the result of a minor oversight.
“People can sell tickets to heaven,” said a Jacksonville, Florida police spokesperson.
“But the Watts misrepresented their product. The tickets were just wood spray painted gold with ‘Ticket To Heaven – Admit One’ written in marker. You can’t sell something as gold when it’s not. That’s where the Watts crossed the line into doing something illegal.”
Damn – so close and yet their brilliant scheme came crumbling down around them. Tito wasn’t going down without a fight though. Here is his official police statement.
“I don’t care what the police say, the tickets are solid gold,” Tito insisted.
“It ain’t cut up two by fours I spray painted gold. And it was Jesus who give them to me behind the KFC and said to sell them so I could get me some money to go to outer space.”
Wait a minute, it gets better…
“I met an alien named Stevie who said if I got the cash together he’d take me and my wife on his flying saucer to his planet that’s made entirely of crack cocaine. You can smoke all the crack cocaine there you want… totally free.”
“So, try to send an innocent man to jail and see what happens. You should arrest Jesus because he’s the one that gave me the golden tickets and said to sell them. I’m willing to wear a wire and set Jesus up.”
As for Amanda, she didn’t have quite as much to say – but she still gave police a pretty good idea of where she stands on the subject, as well as throwing her own husband under the bus.
“We just wanted to leave earth and go to space and smoke rock cocaine,” Amanda told police. “I didn’t do anything. Tito sold the golden tickets to heaven. I just watched.”
When police raided the Watts’ home to confiscate the ill-gotten “golden ticket” earnings, they found $10,000 cash – call them crazy, but Tito must be one heck of a good salesman!
Not only that, police also seized five crack pipes (no surprise, really) and a baby alligator… (okay, that one’s a bit of a surprise!)
The lesson here is this: don’t do drugs.
The other lesson is that if you’re going to sell people golden tickets to heaven, don’t tell them the tickets are actual gold and you might actually get away with it! Ten grand is a lot of money, after all!