20 Things That Disney Did Not Give Me Unrealistic Expectations For

The perfect body

The perfect body

Having seen real humans in the wild, I understand that cartoons tend to have cartoon-like bodily proportions. Due to this, I have not been given a complex because my neck and my waist don't have the same diameter.

Flawless hair

Flawless hair

I'm aware that there are thousands of hairs on my head, so I'm cool with it if they don't all get along well enough to join together in a single, gravity-defying clump of split-end-free matrimony.



Outrageously handsome men

Outrageously handsome men

My mother ensured that I was given the chance to interact with real live boys and men from a young age, so I accept that most of them have pores and body hair.

The easy courtship process

The easy courtship process

Hey, I like you. Let's go paint with all the colors of the wind or something."
^not what actually happens.



The ability and willingness of everyone around you to burst into perfectly harmonized song

The ability and willingness of everyone around you to burst into perfectly harmonized song

The closest I've gotten was when the dude living below me pounded on his ceiling with a broom handle, and it kind of provided percussion to my one-woman Backstreet Boys shower concert.

The ability and willingness of animals to clean your house

The ability and willingness of animals to clean your house

A bird flew into my house when I was six, and it really made more of a mess than it cleaned up. But I'm sure it tried its best to help.



The rapid acceleration of time while singing

The rapid acceleration of time while singing

Simba grew up in one song. Hercules got swole. They made a man out of Mulan. I cleaned a small stack of dishes.

The existence of magical people who would make your life better

The existence of magical people who would make your life better

I mean, the Tooth Fairy is fun to get drunk with, but you can't expect too much from a person who only gives you a couple of bucks in exchange for something that fell out of your face.



Epic villains who are still kind of likeable even when they try to ruin your life

Epic villains who are still kind of likeable even when they try to ruin your life

Smart people learn from a young age that the real bad guys leave poor tips at restaurants and walk slowly in narrow hallways. And they are impossible to like.

Easy makeup application and removal

Easy makeup application and removal

Anyone who's ever worn makeup knows that even casually rubbing your eye will ruin your whole face. Stop trying to pretend like you didn't coat your whole sleeve in coconut oil, Mulan.



The ability to gracefully perform acrobatic stunts without injury

The ability to gracefully perform acrobatic stunts without injury

I fell out of a restaurant booth and ended up on crutches for a week, so don't even tell me that these Disney dudes can casually backflip through tree branches without years of practice and joint replacements.

The desire of animals to wear clothing

The desire of animals to wear clothing

Have you ever tried to dress up a cat? Of course not. You wouldn't be alive to read this.



Epic transportation

Epic transportation

Flying on a plane is about the most magical way to get from A to B in today's world, but even that dream gets shattered the first time you get stuck sitting next to a crying baby.

The ability of an animal to be physically attractive to a human

The ability of an animal to be physically attractive to a human

I like to think that we are all comfortable enough with our sexuality to admit that we have a bit of a crush on Simba (and let's add Kovu in there, too, because this is a safe zone). However, the percentage of us who would admit to getting googoo-eyed over an actual lion is probably much smaller.



True love being the solution to every problem ever

True love being the solution to every problem ever

You figure this one out the moment you say, "But Daddy, I love you," and he still doesn't buy you the pack of cookies you wanted.

Beautiful clothes

Beautiful clothes

I get excited when I have more than one clean pair of jeans to choose from, so having a closet full of beautiful dresses that I could wear whenever I wanted is just not something that will happen in this lifetime.



Animals that can do pretty much anything a human can

Animals that can do pretty much anything a human can

My goldfish was sometimes too stupid to even realize that I had fed him, so I was pretty comfortable believing he'd never find a way out of his tank and into the ocean.

The capability to immediately move on after a very traumatic event

The capability to immediately move on after a very traumatic event

It takes some pretty hardcore memory repressing skills to immediately be all smiles and hugs after defeating an evil magical being that almost ruined your life. I cried for at least twenty minutes after popping the head off my favorite Barbie doll.



Talking animals

Talking animals

Half the dogs and cats on YouTube can say "no," but the rest of us just get pumped when they "respond" to us after we bark or meow at them.

Happy endings

Happy endings

The awesome thing about life is that sometimes, things really do turn out just the way you want them to. But other times, you and your handsome prince have to divorce due to irreconcilable differences, you have to sell your pumpkin carriage to pay off the rent on your castle, and your parents just can’t get the head back on your favorite Barbie doll. And that’s ok, too.